Misadventures of a 20-Something Mom: The Idiot's Guide to A Day In the Life of a Stay-at Home Mom (Husbands and Hilary Rosen Please Tune in)   

Friday, April 13, 2012

The Idiot's Guide to A Day In the Life of a Stay-at Home Mom (Husbands and Hilary Rosen Please Tune in)

Here's a clue...we don't eat bon-bons. At least I don't think we do. I'm not even sure what the hell a bon bon is...so perhaps I have eaten them. Hmm.

Regardless, the leisurely picture of a stay-at-home mom has really come to grate on my nerves. I'm embarrassed to admit that I used to be one those people who scoffed at these moms, as I was raised to be an education-achieving, career-driven, independent woman. Cue the Beyonce music.

So I went to school, got my master's degree, and got knocked up in the process. While I was raised to hate the idyllic 1950's housewife, I wanted a family, and was excited about the prospect. I figured I would stay home for a few months to get the little guy acclimated to this big, bad world and then dive back into the "working" world.

Fast forward, and my few months at home have turned into 9 months, with no end in sight. As difficult as it is, this is the best job I have ever held, and I plan on staying home for as long as our finances and my sanity will allow. I love spending every day with my son. I love that I never miss any milestones and he is turning into a full on "mama's boy". Like I said, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I consider staying at home a luxury and realize that not everyone has the option or even the desire. That's ok. To each their own. However, anyone who thinks this gig is a walk in the park needs a swift kick in the nuts...or the vag for that matter (Shout out to HILARY ROSEN).

My rebuttal to the epic question that I think my husband is too smart to ask anymore, "What did you even do today", is as follows:

We'll just start around

5:15 a.m: Was b*tch slapped in the face and got a titty twister from our son indicating that he'd like to nurse.

7:15 a.m: We repeated the above.

7:30ish: Stole some more shuteye before official wake up call.

9:00 a.m.: Wrangled a screaming baby in an effort to get his ear drops in. In the process, the baby took a bite out of the arm that was trying to hold him still. Awesome. At least he has his shots up to date.
9:30 a.m.: Held baby on lap, with my uninjured arm, while I peed so I didn't have to hear the cacophony that is his crying this early in the morning
9:35 a.m.: While making the bed I discovered a mysterious wet spot on the floor where the baby was previously sitting. Upon further investigation, I discovered that it is pee. These faulty diapers have failed me again.

9:40 a.m. Considered a strongly worded letter to the diaper manufacturer while I changed his diaper and scrubbed the pee spot.

9:50 a.m.: Entertained the baby by singing my rendition/remix of "Big Boys Don't Cry" while I shoveled as many frosted mini wheats into my mouth as humanly possible. For the curious at heart, the record seems to be around 12 mini-wheats.

10:00 a.m.:  Tried to check emails and jot down an idea for the blog... so I can convince myself that I am still a contributing part of society rather than a simple milk making, diaper changing, jester to an 8 month old. While I take this "me" time my son continually rams himself, via his walker, into the pantry closet door.

Hold your applause. I will accept my "mother of the year" award later this week.
10:10 a.m.: Pantry ramming had lost it's appeal. While trying to get him suited and booted for the epic battle that was breakfast..I managed to take a chunk out of my ankle with the high chair.
If you are keeping score for the morning that is: baby-2 mommy-0.

10:13 a.m.: Put some Cheerios on his plate as a distraction while I prepare his meal.
10:15-10:35 a.m. This time was spent playing my own version of the "Hunger Games." The object of which was to get as much pureed apricot into my baby's mouth as possible before it ended up in his nose, my hair, the carpet, and on the wall. This process typically involves a lot of crying and even the occasional gnashing of teeth. The games resulted in maybe a tablespoon of food actually making it to its intended destination.

10:40 a.m.: Clean up time. All those Cheerios I thought he ate were actually smashed under his giant diapered ass. Wiped down the offending apricot from the baby, the furniture, and myself.

10:50 Did the dishes with a 31 lb. baby on my hip as he refused to be set down. How do I still have flying squirrel arms??!

11:20 Began the process of cleaning up after the tornado that is my husband. How many M-Fing times must I tell him to pick up his clothes off the floor, or clean up his coffee mess, or my personal favorite..FLUSH the toilet?! What an asshat. A loving, wonderful asshat, but an asshat none the less.

11:45ish: Baby had begun spiralling into nuclear meltdown mode which indicated it was time to let the little leech nurse some more and put him down for a nap. Just as I was sneaking away, the UPS man rung the doorbell (FOR THE WRONG HOUSE) and the baby awakened even more pissed than he was before. I briefly considered throat chopping the UPS guy, but settled for a stern, angry look.

This all happened before noon.

On REALLY productive days I also manage to:

1) Make it out of my pajamas. Double points for the team.
2) Take a shower.. to rid myself of the homeless goat smell that seems to be my current spring fragrance.
3) Go grocery shopping with our son..who typically turns into the spawn of Satan somewhere between produce and the meat department
4) And my personal favorite...make the baby laugh so hard he shits his pants..this is a rare treat.

All in a days "work".

10 comments:

  1. I feel like you're in my head! You're freaking hilarious!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Found your blog through the UBP12. You are hilarious! :) Great fun view of life as a mom. :) Thanks for sharing!

    All the best with your little one. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love this post!! It is a job to stay at home, we deal with so much! It is fun watching them grow up and see all their moments!
    Following you back from UBP12!! Feel free to stop by to check out my blog, "Shannon's Tales of Motherhood"
    Have fun!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks for stopping by my FB page {Luv, Laughter & Happily Ever After}! This post was hilarious! I think we share the same asshat husband! I'm almost considering not doing his laundry today because he can't be bothered to pick it up off the floor, then whined when I made him come in from the garage to carry his basket downstairs and whined some more when I asked for him to take it to the basement! {Who cares if we had to make that same trip with the same heavy basket!} I just did a blog post recently about how it should be required for men to take a Life Skills 101 class in school!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Funny I have a non toilet flushing husband too, where did we find them??? Shame our 2 sons are following in his footsteps despite however many times I yell at them to "flush" as they leave the bathroom!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks for liking my FB page so I could wander over and meet you. Not long ago, I was invited to a 90s retro party. The host said something like, "You know, there are so many options for how to dress 90s." I stared at him blankly because I have no memory of the 90s, let alone what people were wearing in those days. Then I remembered, I was raising small children in the 90s and was lucky, on any given day, to have gotten dressed. Showers were a bonus.

    My kids are grown now, and we all seemed to have survived. Now I'm sitting in front of a computer tapping out words. In my pajamas.

    Nice to meet you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Idk how I wandered to this page but glad I did :) was lmao!! This is so awesome lol. I am a stay at home mother to four so u could probably imagine..smh love the husband part as well.

    ReplyDelete
  8. hahahahaha! Titty Twister! lmao! so funny! I feel your pain as a mom of 3 (5mo, 3yo, 7yo), but is it wrong to wanna throat chop the older two kids along with the ups man when they wake the baby? IJS

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hey there, following back from #UBP12 Thanks for the follow as well

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. By the way, your hilarious. I love your take on the every day events of the hardest and most underpaid Job on the planet. My Now Ex still proclaims that I sit on my tush eating Bon bons all day (he's getting custody of our 17 yr old son) I can guarantee he will be screaming his head off and so stressed out just after 2 months. He has no idea what he's in for. And I am going to laugh my ass of when it goes down. Anyone that thinks our job is a breeze, needs to be given 50 lashes. Good luck with your son and congrats on surviving this long. The years to come are going to be heart welling and wonderful and painful. I just watched my oldest son run off to the army, and my 17 yr old son leaving to live with his father. Now it's me and my 10 yr old daughter. I have had the best time of my life being a mom and wouldn't trade it for the world.

      Delete