Misadventures of a 20-Something Mom: The Minivan Mom Mafia: Your SUV Can Suck It.   

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The Minivan Mom Mafia: Your SUV Can Suck It.

I can't tell you how much crap I catch for driving a mini-van. According to society, and the above cow, there is nothing lower than a minivan driver a.k.a. a "soccer mom". I'm pretty sure that purchasing a mini-van is equivalent to signing your life away in the eyes of the world. Clearly your dignity, your awesomeness, and your very soul are sucked into some cosmic oblivion as soon as you drive out of the dealership in a vehicle that seats 7. Right?

Wrong. I call bullsh*t.

Maybe I am in denial, in fact it is very possible, but I just don't understand this. Maybe you should sit down for the following confession, and avoid taking a drink or bite of anything (for fear of spewing it everywhere). Here goes:
I am 24 years old, I have only one child, and I F*$#ing LOVE my minivan. That's right. I said it. I F*%$ing  LOVE IT.

So you have the facts. I am not octo-mom. My son is not old enough for soccer, or tennis, or badminton. (Does anyone play badminton?). I'm a twenty-something. Technically I'm still in my partying prime. I could totally still drive an SUV, or a cute sporty something, or a super chic electric car that shows how much I care about our damn planet. I could load up my baby and drive it to some coffeehouse where a bongo beating hippie could serenade us. (That is still where the cool people hang out, right?)

But I don't.

I don't because having a baby, even just ONE, makes all those other cars and that other life obsolete in my mind. Have you seen the size of these freaking carseats?! What about strollers, diaper bags, and all that other mandatory baby gear? Have you tried to shove all that shit into your ever so sexy convertible or your too cool for school SUV? I bet you have. How did that pan out?

Don't try and front..I know it probably didn't go well because I HAD an SUV. An adorable, mid-size little number that affirmed my status on the cool totem pole of life. It was awesome in my pre-mommy life, but I quickly learned that it wasn't a good fit post-baby.

I love being able to pack up the stroller, swing, walker, highchair, pack & play, anything my little heart desires, when we are going out of town for the weekend. What's even more kick ass is the fact that even loaded up with all that crap, my minivan is still an oasis of comfort and space! I have approximately four million climate zones, window shades, autostart and power everything. Don't forget about my two DVD players, wireless headphones, and accesories to hook up gaming systems. I'll pause so you can go ahead and wipe your drool..

For all of you moms hating on my "swagger wagon", here's what it boils down to..
At the end of the day, you and I are both leaving Gymboree with slobbery cheerios in our hair and spitup on our blouse. We both still have that "baby weight" to lose and have Eugene Levy-like eyebrows because we don't make it to the salon very often these days. If it makes you feel better to have an epic life and death struggle trying to fit your rhino-sized stroller into the back of your trendy little vehicle, then more power to you. I will politely wave as I comfortably drive by in my anti-cool mobile.

You can keep your dignity, I'll rock my status as the solo member of the Mini-van Mafia.


  1. You are the coolest person I know. This post just re-affirms.

  2. Can I join your mini-van mafia? I am not 20 something but I have only one kid, heated leather seats, neat window shades, dual DVD players and almost 25 mpg....I wanna see someones big ass SUV do all that!

  3. Well color me green with envy!! I wish I had a mini van. How pathetic does that make me I wonder? Haha. I am a twenty-something as well but I have five kids! Seating for seven would kick ass!!

  4. I stopped by from UBP12 and left you another comment but I can't help but to keep
    reading your posts! You are to funny, I love mini-vans! I have 4 kids who has a ton of friends, I have over a dozen of neice's and nephews and we love to pile in a few mini-vans and just go! Not to mention trips to the beach or grocery stores, who wants to be all cramped into a small car?? I will just have to be that "soccer mom" if thats what people want to call me! lol...little do they know! lol
    Good post, thanks for the laugh..

  5. I tried really hard to stay in my tiny little Corolla (I told myself it was for the gas mileage) but I tried EVERYTHING and could not fit 3 carseats in the back (dumb twins...why can't they SHARE a carseat?) so we traded it in for a van... I'm never going back and mine doesn't have all the fancy features (seriously jealous though). I still groan about the gas occasionally but I've fit 7 people in my van many times and often I have 5 kids in there (only 3.5 are my own). Vans Rock.

  6. OMG...you are freaking awesome. I'd love to help you get your blog off the ground a bit and gain some more readership! I'm going to Stumble this post for you and tweet it too! Hopefully it will get you some more traffic! Since you're rather new to the blogging world, let me know if you need any advice on ways to expand and gain more of an audience! I think your blog rocks!

    Smiles, Jenn @Misadventures in Motherhood