Misadventures of a 20-Something Mom: Stranger Danger: Kindly Remove Your Filthy Paws From My Baby, Before I Karate Chop You In The THROAT   

Monday, April 2, 2012

Stranger Danger: Kindly Remove Your Filthy Paws From My Baby, Before I Karate Chop You In The THROAT

I gave birth to the cutest baby ever born. Ever. Seriously.

Don't try to argue this, it's a moot point. Your little masterpiece can be a close second..for now...until the day I decide to procreate again.
Clearly, I make awesome babies so your little Johnny would probably be knocked down to third, or even fourth if I had twins. Can you imagine?! The world would be overrun with cuteness. I think a magical rainbow might shoot from my vagina if I was able to bring two more of these handsome, little butterballs into the world. Perhaps I'd be given the "key" to our city..not sure what I'd do with a giant key. But I digress...

I know that all parents think this...but this is no joke.

I'm not telling you this to send you in a spiralling depression over your tot. So please don't go all "Toddlers in Tiaras" on me and end up botoxing and waxing your three year old in an effort to compete with the wonderess works of  my womb.
This isn't some kind of ego trip either. I tell you this because my life has actually become really complicated due to my baby's ridiculous cuteness.

Its like having an authentic Monet painting in your foyer. (I know! Who the hell has a Monet..or a foyer for that matter?) It's an amazing conversation piece, and you welcome questions and compliments. But would you let someone touch your one-of-a-kind work of art? Hellz No!

This is how I feel about my baby. Feel free to compliment him. He's fing adorable. I get it. Feel free to ask questions. (No, we don't feed him a tub of butter every day. He is just naturally chunky.) But..for God's sake..please DO NOT TOUCH MY BABY.
Don't touch him, Don't think about touching him, Don't even ask to touch him. While I respect this approach, and it will probably save you from a swift punch in the throat, it gets super awkward when I say "no thanks".

I can't tell you how many times people have reached their grimy paws into his stroller for a quick pinch or ran over to our shopping cart and lovingly (?!) patted him on the leg. These are complete strangers. Weirdos. Vagabonds for all I know. My mouth used to fall open in shock. I don't even touch someones puppy without asking..and here are people groping my eight month old.

My mother-in-law thinks I should be grateful for my little "baby Clooney" and let people paw him to their hearts content. "He's such a cute baby, they simply can't help themselves." We'll have to agree to disagree on that one. They CAN help it..and they WILL while I'm around.

I don't say this to be a douche canoe. The reality is that people are freaking disgusting. (Don't make me pull up the hand washing statistics!) Babies have fragile, undeveloped immune systems, and if I had just let every random weirdo touch my kid..I'm sure he would be dead by now. Or have hepatitis or chlamydia or something. Try explaining that to your pediatrician.

In summation, if you see some crazed, sleep-deprived twenty-something throat chopping an elderly woman, remember this post. To you elderly baby grabbers, you've been warned.


  1. I literally had to run away from a homeless asian today at the park who was trying to touch my little prince. It was AWFUL!

  2. I totally get it - even more, It's awesome to hear someone else stand up to the advice of their in-laws when it comes to their kids! Congrats!