Tuesday, June 12, 2012
6 Tidbits for the "Tot-less"
So I was one of you not so long ago...young, and wild, and free. Not a care in the world. Ahhh, the life of the childless. Anywho, I know that I was also VERY naive when it came to kids. My background in developmental psychology and various babysitting gigs made me think I had everything figured out. So I would look down from my ivory tower and shake my head, and cluck with disapproval when I saw parents feeding their kids junk, or propping them in front of the television.
Clearly, I was wrong.
As penance for being a judgemental cow, I offer these 6 tidbits for you tot-less wonders out there.
1. Ringing the doorbell during nap time is a crime punishable by death.
Seeing as nap time is an elusive, ever-evolving, dastardly beast, you should just assume that its always nap time.
Hold your chuckles and chortles. This is not a joke.
If you wake up that baby I will beat you with a wiffle bat.
2. Meeting up for dinner probably means something totally different to us, so clarification is a necessity.
These days going out to eat means we FINISH eating dinner about the time the old folks are showing up for early bird specials.
Eating dinner after 8 o'clock requires special mission impossible like forethought and planning...and maybe some Benadryl if we are supposed to bring the baby. (I joke, I kid)
3. For a new mom, the most terrifying string of words in the English language is "pool party."
Do not under any circumstances invite/sentence me to one of these cruel soirees. Furthermore, avoid telling me I "look fine", considering I had a baby. This does not increase your chances of me attending. In fact, it makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
Especially, when I think about the pre-baby, rock hard, stretch mark free, jersey shoreish abs that you're sporting. (side note for any expecting moms-choose your maternity suit wisely because you may just be in it indefinitely!)
4. You are expected to come to every single Dora the Explorer and Bob the Builder birthday party.
I realize these parties suck. I probably wouldn't even come, if my kid wouldn't know any better. Here's the deal, you don't have to stay long, or even sing the "backpack" song. But make an appearance and be thankful I didn't host this happy-go-lucky little gathering at Chuck E. Cheese's. Otherwise known as parental hell on earth. Literally torturous to spend more than 5 minutes there. I think the Geneva Convention should look into this. But I digress.
If you don't come, than I won't go down the road when you pop out a munchkin or two. And then, who will be there to commiserate with you?
5. If my child is having a public meltdown..DO NOT give me a look of disgust.
Also, DO NOT tell me he must be hungry, or tired, or whatever. What are you, the baby whisperer?! If you're so knowledgeable, why don't you take him? I could use a break. Seriously. I'll be in the wine section picking out mommy's next time-out buddy.
Here's a clue...sometimes, for no apparent reason, kids are just a$$holes. Big ones. Some more so than others. This doesn't make me a bad parent or mean that my child is underfed or under-loved. He's just being an a$$hole.
Give it some thought my friend. Do you really think I WANT him to act like this? Do you think I have some personal vendetta against peace and quiet? If I could get my kid to stop thrashing about and screaming bloody murder, I would.
Therefore, in the future, I direct you to mind your business. Maybe, if you're feeling particularly generous, throw me a look of pity and point me in the direction of the wine section.
6. This might just be the most important. If you do not have any children, do not comment on how I am raising my own.
I don't care if you walk through the door and my son is chewing on a power cord, while simultaneously juggling the family hamster and watching an hour of telemundo soap operas. To me, this is a sign of genius. An 11 month old multitasking. Clearly destined for greatness!
Whatever he's doing, hes doing it for a reason. I'm on it, I swear. No one is more invested in how this little tike turns out than me.
I don't care what you saw on Dr Oz, or heard from Great-Grandma Martha, or read in your General Psych. textbook. Until you have children, you cannot possibly understand moments like these or the million and a half possibly life-altering decisions that have to be made all the time. Know that most moms are giving it their best..all the time. They are well-researched and well-informed. However, it's hard to be at your "A" game 24-7. If you happen upon one of these less than ideal parenting moments, keep your "constructive" criticism to yourself. Otherwise, it's only a matter of time before you have to eat your own words. I know I have...and they don't taste that great the second time around. ;)