Confession time: I am a mommy group drop-out.
Well technically, I didn't even drop out of all of them...
I was forcibly evicted from a few, bullied out of others, and awkwarded out of a couple more. There was even a group that I managed to get kicked out of before even attending a meeting! The "administrator" informed me that I was being removed due to nonattendance. (I had only signed up the week prior!)
While laughable, this is still a bit of a low point in my life. Who gets kicked out of a VOLUNTARY social group for moms? No good-byes. No parting gift. No passing "go" or collecting $200. (Monopoly reference. Keep up!)
I guess I just don't make the cut. I've admitted that I'm no Martha Stewart. I try really hard to emulate that kind of woman. Seriously! I religiously stalk pinterest for ideas to steal. I craft. I bake. I money launder. I joke, I kid. See! That's my point. I'm no Martha. Maybe her amateurish, domestically-challenged eighth cousin or something. I don't fit the mommy mold.
I am the poster child for introversion. Always have been. When I'm in a big group, I tend to completely dissolve into the background. This in turn, leads people to believe that I am an elitist snob, who is too good to socialize. The alternative to my wallflower schtick involves me making a total ass out of myself by pretending to be outgoing and engaging. I suck at small talk. I make lame, sarcastic jokes that other moms don't "get". This doesn't end well either.
Perhaps more importantly than the aforementioned defects, I secretly twilight as a drama magnet. I never knew this about myself prior to joining a Mommy group. I thought I was a relatively open-minded, don't rock the boat kind of gal. I guess not! I have managed to piss off so many moms at this point that the mommy mafia may have put a bounty on my head.
Moms have been offended by my parenting practices, my vernacular, my personality, and of course, this blog.
And apparently, mommy group moms don't get offended like the rest of us. They. are. MEAN. Out for blood. Take no prisoners. Fueled by an ugly undercurrent of competition and desperate attempts to obtain and maintain "status," these bitches will BURN you.
Most of the real down and dirty thrashing happens online, via social networking sites like Facebook. Seemingly docile, amicable mommies grow balls of steel behind a computer screen.
One crazed mom will tear you to bits until a sort of gang mentality happens.
Forget trying to defend yourself. There will be 20 replies about how ignorant you are, with links to supporting articles, before you ever press send. Whether it is consciously or subconsciously, the reality is that some of the women in these "supportive" groups habitually band together, single out others, and make them feel like dog poo.
I saw it happen to countless others, and I've had it happen to me.
It's the Mean Girls Sequel. The one 10 years later, when the girls are all grown up, have kids, and still can't squelch the urge to be predatory, hateful, little twat waffles.
I am both a 20-something and a softie. I don't have the stamina or the resilience to deal with that toxic mess now. I left those antics in high-school.
For now, I suppose I will remain a mommy group drop out. I will desperately cling to the handful of amazing ladies that I did meet, and always be on the look-out for more women who can laugh at dumb jokes and choke down burnt souffle.