Misadventures of a 20-Something Mom: The Parental Bullsh*t Translator   

Monday, October 29, 2012

The Parental Bullsh*t Translator

There is a lot of bullsh*t muddling the facebook statuses and conversations between parents these days. Sometime its so thick that its hard to even catch the real meaning behind another parent's words. While I am totally guilty of a lot of these, and so are some of my closest friends, I am here to help you maneuver through the B.S. and realize what that seemingly cheery P.T.A. biotch actually just said.

1. "Little Suzie's 15 month check up went really well. Doctor was sooo impressed with how many words she already knows and how fast she is growing."

Translation: Your kid will be scrubbing my kid's toilet some day.
2.  "I'm sorry I havent gotten back to you sooner. We've just been soo busy!"
Translation: I actually make it out of my pajamas each day. You should try it! Also, I don't like  you enough to waste my  precious "me-time" calling you.
3. "I'd love you to come to my housewarming party next week!"
Translation: Let's be real. We both know your big weekend "plans" would have consisted ospooning with a box of moscato while watching Shark Tank. Plus, I want you to come fawn over how much cooler and more spacious my house is, than that shoebox you live in.
4. "Sorry we won't be able to make it, little Johnny came down with _______(croupe, hand,foot,
     and mouth, the Black Plague, etc). We really wanted to come too."
Translation: B*tch Please! Even if Johnny was sick, if we wanted to come we would be there. I'd just feed you some line about how teething makes babies shoot snot like a fire hydrant and/or projectile vomit. Little Johnny is totally fine, I just don't want to take off my pajamas today.
5. "Oh, you're throwing your Halloween party on the same WEEKDAY at the same EXACT time
    as me? I guess Great minds think alike!"
Translation: You mfing TWATWAFFLE! I have been planning this party for months and you know it! I hope you choke on one of your awesome, Halloween themed Pinterest Recipes. God, I'd like to punch you in the taint!
6. "I heard that you're using Shannon as a babysitter now too! How awesome is she, right?"
Translation: You have crossed a line that can never be uncrossed. Go after MY babysitter!!?Have you lost your G.D. mind? We never get to go out as it is. So help me God...if I call Shannon to come watch the baby for a date night and she is busy at your house, I will find you and I will cut you.