First of all, Mom, Dad, In-laws, just go ahead and stop reading here. We don't need Christmas dinner to be any more awkward with the following revelations. So let's go ahead and part ways...ta-ta now.
For the rest of you, non-relatives lets talk relations.
Sex changes when you become a mom. Anyone who says otherwise is a damn liar. It doesn't necessarily have to be for the worst, I would even dare to say my husband and I are more intimate now than we were pre-baby. But it's different. I'm not just talking quantity, the quality or type of sexual escapades changes as well. Gone are the days of being able to moan so loud that the police come by to do a wellness check. Gone are the days of spontaneous rendezvous and impromptu "looner nooners." When you become parents, you have to work a lot harder to keep the proverbial spark alive. For those of you childless, non-believers, I have compiled the following list of reasons that "Mom" Sex blows:
1) You remember that shameless and salacious moaning I referred to earlier? After you become a mom, you are perpetually terrified of waking up the kids, or being otherwise interrupted in the throes of passion by fervent cries of "MOOOOOOOOM!!?"
2) The pre-baby, sex-kitten lingerie you own, now gets lost in your stretch-marked fat folds and/or the mess of chewbacca-like pubes that you haven't had time to trim this
3) You have to steal AA batteries from Tickle me Elmo for mommy's "special" time..which I'm pretty sure earns you a ticket straight to hell.
4) You are so exhausted all the time that you actually manage to fall asleep..while having sex....with yourself.
5) Motherhood means you trade foreplay for four square. Your "oven" better already be warmed. The traditional "quickie" is actually substantially LONGER than the carefully planned and calculated, swat team-esque maneuvers that now compose your sex life.
6) You now have a thorough understanding of the potential consequences of sex. (I.E. That toddler painting a masterpiece on the wall with your finest lipstick.) Therefore, previously carefree sexual escapades may now feel like you are playing Russian roulette.
7) If you've recently had a baby, you have to take extra precautions to avoid blinding your partner with a stream of breast milk while you're "doing the deed."
8) While tenderly pushing a tendril of your hair back from your face, your lover may just find a spitty cheerio.
9) While your hormones are trying to adjust to pre-baby levels, you may find that your vagina is as dry as the Sahara Desert. The obvious solution is lube. However, when your husband reaches in the nightstand to extract said lube, you may also find that your curious toddler has absconded with it's contents.
10) It's hard to be "in the moment" when you find yourself frantically wondering where the baby took the lube...and if it will somehow be discovered by Great Aunt Agnes during the family dinner you're hosting the next day.
Tell me why YOU think "Mom" Sex blows in the comment section below.