Misadventures of a 20-Something Mom: Why "MOM" Sex Blows: Figuratively speaking, of course.   

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Why "MOM" Sex Blows: Figuratively speaking, of course.



First of all, Mom, Dad, In-laws, just go ahead and stop reading here. We don't need Christmas dinner to be any more awkward with the following revelations. So let's go ahead and part ways...ta-ta now.

For the rest of you, non-relatives lets talk relations.

Sex changes when you become a mom. Anyone who says otherwise is a damn liar. It doesn't necessarily have to be for the worst, I would even dare to say my husband and I are more intimate now than we were pre-baby. But it's different. I'm not just talking quantity, the quality or type of sexual escapades changes as well. Gone are the days of being able to moan so loud that the police come by to do a wellness check. Gone are the days of spontaneous rendezvous and impromptu "looner nooners." When you become parents, you have to work a lot harder to keep the proverbial spark alive. For those of you childless, non-believers, I have compiled the following list of reasons that "Mom" Sex blows:

1) You remember that shameless and salacious moaning I referred to earlier? After you become a mom, you are perpetually terrified of waking up the kids, or being otherwise interrupted in the throes of passion by fervent cries of "MOOOOOOOOM!!?"

2) The pre-baby, sex-kitten lingerie you own, now gets lost in your stretch-marked fat folds and/or the mess of chewbacca-like pubes that you haven't had time to trim this week, month, year.

3) You have to steal AA batteries from Tickle me Elmo for mommy's "special" time..which I'm pretty sure earns you a ticket straight to hell.

4) You are so exhausted all the time that you actually manage to fall asleep..while having sex....with yourself.

5) Motherhood means you trade foreplay for four square. Your "oven" better already be warmed. The traditional "quickie" is actually substantially LONGER than the carefully planned and calculated, swat team-esque maneuvers that now compose your sex life.

6) You now have a thorough understanding of the potential consequences of sex. (I.E. That toddler painting a masterpiece on the wall with your finest lipstick.) Therefore, previously carefree sexual escapades may now feel like you are playing Russian roulette.

7) If you've recently had a baby, you have to take extra precautions to avoid blinding your partner with a stream of breast milk while you're "doing the deed."

8) While tenderly pushing a tendril of your hair back from your face, your lover may just find a spitty cheerio.

9) While your hormones are trying to adjust to pre-baby levels, you may find that your vagina is as dry as the Sahara Desert. The obvious solution is lube. However, when your husband reaches in the nightstand to extract said lube, you may also find that your curious toddler has absconded with it's contents.

10) It's hard to be "in the moment" when you find yourself frantically wondering where the baby took the lube...and if it will somehow be discovered by Great Aunt Agnes during the family dinner you're hosting the next day.


Tell me why YOU think "Mom" Sex blows in the comment section below.

26 comments:

  1. OhmyGERRRRRD i love this so much. Sex is kind of awful now. And i FREAKING LOVE my husband, i think he's hot. But he does NOT get the urgency, silence, and extreme lightening quickness in which this needs to be done in order to not wake up children or scar them for life. I also need to drink or TWELVE in order to find myself attractive enough to want to have sex these days. This was magical.

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  2. Yeah it's awful. Thankfully my husband falls asleep on the couch nearly every night. lol

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  3. Ha! Loved it. I can't ever take a bra off for fear of spraying everywhere and the Sahara Desert is a perfect analogy. Thanks for the post :)

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  4. Thanks for the <3 mamas! My husband read this, his cheeks flushed in embarassment, and he went into hiding. Not quite the reaction I had hoped for lol

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  5. Not to mention, it's kind of hard to "warm your oven" when you're exhausted. Sometimes when my very cute husband gives me the naughty raised eyebrow all I can do is think "OH GAWD, something ELSE to add to my to do list!"

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  6. Lol, that's awesome!! I could just say... as a 40 something momma .. What sex??? Yeah... What sex?? Following you from the blog hop! can't wait to read more :)

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  7. Ha! Girlfriends...wait till menopause! LOL I started mine early at 41, having had four kids by 27. So I have my youngest kids (18 year old twins) in the house and my hormones are mental...thank God for a husband with a sense of humour that matches my own! Once the logistics are worked out the sex is amazingly good :) I recommend SILK and a weekend away if you can manage it!

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  8. Last time we tried, the boy walked in. It's been months now.

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  9. Oh my God, where IS that lube??? Love it. Speaks to my heart exactly!

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  10. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. You're spot on. I remember!!! I've been divorced now for almost 7yrs...so just throw in a few years of NO sex...still pretty much the same. The Princess is 12 now ..so a whole different issue even having ME time!! & my Mom moved in with us last January...so, who am I kidding? There's NO ME TIME. I needta change that. Hmmm...
    Hahaaa!!! Hugs, Cyn
    A.D.D.Music Mamma

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  11. I loved this post!!! I literally promoted a book from one of my favorite bloggers on how couples can get back to a wonderful sex life on my blog.

    My husband and I had blissful sex for the first time in AGES last night. We do pretty good at keeping our sex life active, but your definitely right things do definitely CHANGE a lot after you have kids. We have three of them so that adds to the complications at times. Plus we have my in-laws (mother in law pops in unannounced A LOT) 200 ft away.

    Sex in marriage is vital though. LOVED. LOVED. Your blog.

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  12. This is just spectacular my sister! Spectacular. That's all I got. xoxo

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  13. This is spot on. My husband I refer to our old sex life as "hotel sex" which means the raucousness only happens when we are in a hotel ALONE. We try to lock our door, but the dog refuses to leave and sometimes causes problems, it's a good thing we can laugh about it.

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  14. This is pretty much the best (and most true) post ever.

    My favorite thing is when one of the kids DOES wake up and I frantically dress myself to answer there yells while my hubs waits around expecting me to be totally into continuing after shushing a child back to sleep and/or listening to a long, detailed explanation of a crazy dream.

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  15. Great post. Cracks me up. So very true...and funny too!

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  16. Hi Lovely, I'm your new follower from Blog Hop.
    Love your awesome blog. Feel free to check out & follow my blog @ revampspunkyrena.blogspot.com
    xoxo
    Rena

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  17. You are too funny... I always enjoy reading what you have to say, and it inspires me to blog more which is good because I feel like I can keep my sanity longer if I actually form and take note of adult thoughts.. :) Totally a post I can relate to, also one to add, our son just started forming "phrases" he's 20 months, and during sex I catch myself thinking of the hilarious things he tries to say and start cracking up, mid-thrust.. Luckily my husband already knows whats up and asks me what he said that day. :P

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  18. Oh My God! I had to read these to my husband. You are RIGHT ON!!!!!
    (found you through a linky and I'm sticking around!)
    http://simplethoughtsonthings.blogspot.com/

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  19. The worst for me is since the baby is right next to our bed. He's only 2 months old but I'm trying to be super quiet for fear of waking him up and every little squeek and groan he does kinda gets me out of the mood. Plus I just don't think my hormones are back where they should be yet.

    Found you through TGIF Blog Hop. I'm sticking around! Return the favor when you get a chance. http://countmyblessings1.blogspot.com

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  21. OMG - hilarious! Something to "look forward to" once my pregnant wifey give birth!

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  22. Hahaha number 3...I'm sure God knows that the batteries are much better places for Mom 'special' time and will give us a break! ; ) #abitofeverything

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  23. Hahaha this really made me laugh! Great post

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  24. I'm pretty sure this had a lot of people nodding along in agreement to this! #abitofeverything

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