Friday, February 1, 2013
Apocalypse Now: 30 Reasons The World is Ending Today (According to my Toddler)
Mom's side: We have entered the stage of child-rearing where temper tantrums are frequent, fearsome, and unpredictable. My husband and I often feel like we are toting around a ticking time bomb; it is not a matter of if, but when it will be set off. We've learned a few short-term fixes: silly songs, funny faces, the occasional lollipop, and Beverley Hills Chihuahua movies are among the most frequently employed. Occasionally, even this arsenal is not enough to combat the head thrashing, teeth gnashing, body planking tactics of our little bundle of joy. We'd love to take preventative measures, to bypass these tantrums entirely, but who knows what will set him off next?!
Baby's side: I love my parents, I really do. But the sooner they realize that their entire purpose for being, is to cater to my every whim, we will all be better off. Obviously, I'm in charge. Yet, for whatever reason, they continue to desperately cling to the idea that they make the rules.
But candidly, its a bit embarrassing too.
I see other kids at the mall playground, all of the time, whose parents are already fully trained. These parents are always armed with an array of snacks, a change of clothes, a myriad of playthings, and still manage to dash this way and that, at their child's beck and call. I often wonder how long it will take to get my own parents to that point. Sigh.
As far as this "tantrum" business, the 'rents are seriously over dramatizing it. Like I said before, I'm the boss. Should be a given. These so called tantrums, are a mere reflection of the kind of work/effort my parents are putting in. A sort of "performance review," if you will. There are numerous reasons a performance could be deemed unsatisfactory, all of which seem plain as day to me.
However, because there are some incredibly dense subordinates (parents) out there, I am including a list of obvious infractions/difficulties that need be dealt with swiftly and severely. (via screaming, thrashing, head banging, biting, planking, etc)
1. I'm hungry.
2. NO I don't want that for lunch! It's disgusting. I'm allergic. I could be poisoned. I don't care if it was my favorite food yesterday, I hate it.
3. I'm tired.
4. I don't want to take a nap. Naps are for babies. You take a nap.
5. Why won't you let me play with that steak knife?
6. I can't get the lid off this marker.
7. That lady just looked at me.
8. I don't want to wear pants.
9. That lady is STILL looking at me.
10. I don't want to hug grandpa.
11. I'm stuck in the toilet.
12. I want a sticker.
13. There's a sticker on my hand and I can't get it off.
14. I want a lollipop before bed.
15. Your IPhone isn't working. I think I broke it again. (Why are YOU crying, mom?)
16. I don't want to sit in the car seat. Car seats are for babies.
17. I just pooped myself.
18. That kid on the playground touched me.
19. This food is too hot.
20. This food is too cold.
21. Did you just stick your finger in my food?
22. You went to the bathroom without me.
23. I'm stuck in this cabinet.
24. Why can't I climb the dresser?
25. Why can't I eat this worm?
26. You look like you're trying to leave the house without me.
27. I want to color the wall again. Give me back my crayons.
28. My zebra is stuck in the toilet.
29. My playroom is messy.
30. Are you blogging again?!