Misadventures of a 20-Something Mom: Wildly Inappropriate Children's Book Reviews: Volume I   

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Wildly Inappropriate Children's Book Reviews: Volume I

Let me address the elephant in the room and go out of my way to state that "wildly inappropriate" will include the random, and often explicit stream of rubbish that is perpetually running through my mind. It does not imply that your little Sophia should try to reference this for her second grade book report. Unless Sophia's teacher is a total fireball and doesn't flinch at words like twatwaffle and cuntmuffin, in which case, reference away Sophia. (But make sure to cite your source because otherwise that shit is plagiarism and I will cut you.) I'm totally, mostly kidding about that last bit, but not about the explicit nature of these reviews. Because they'll include everything I always wanted to say in second grade, but those Baptist teachers would never have gone for. But I digress.

Alright, great. The rest of you have been warned.

First up, is a book (If I Built A Car) that has become a staple in our house, and for good reason. The main character Jack is an imaginative, pioneering badass who is way ahead of his time. Jack won't just settle for the mediocrity of his suburban existence. He has plans. Big plans.

And those plans don't include some lame ass, newly engineered, eco-friendly Wagoneer. HIS car will be a mother fucking marvel of engineering ingenuity and decorum.

Pimp My Ride has nothing on the kinds of next level innovative shit that Jack has added. Complete with a couch, fireplace,snack bar, butler robot, and Jacuzzi tub his car is sure to perform at optimal swagger levels. It could be argued that the snack service (squeeze cheese) could use a little fine tuning, but to each their own.

The car also doubles as a boat, submarine, and rocket. Considering our last minivan, which had ONE fucking job, ON LAND, couldn't even manage that half the time, this is a pretty impressive feat. I know what some of you are thinking: Jack is a spoiled little asshat who needs to shut his pie hole about his parents' lackluster existence and piece of shit car and just be glad he's not walking. And, initially I'd be inclined to agree with you. But this book's message transcends that one ungrateful asshat. It teaches us to dream. To reach for the mother fucking stars and never settle. At the very least, it might give you some ideas for your own car.

Frankly, I'd just be happy with one of those divider windows they have in limos, with the sound-proof glass. That way I can drown out the sounds of my own asshole kids complaining about our mediocre existence too.

7 comments:

  1. haha I love your style! Your post really made me LOL! Look forward to reading more.

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  2. Love this! You're hilarious :D
    http://beinghalcyon.blogspot.rs/

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  3. Awesome review! You crack me up!!

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  4. That's a helluva good damn book review built for adult brains only.

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  5. That's a helluva good damn book review built for adult brains only.

    ReplyDelete